283rd story

Zack is a man who, because of his psychological troubles, has gone to see a psychiatrist. Now, slowly and in detail, he recounts the various memories of his life and his true feelings, in the hope of discovering the roots of his pain and suffering.

His struggles with quitting smoking, his feelings toward women, and more…

He is an old man undergoing psychotherapy. The doctor has asked him to write his memories in a notebook as part of the treatment. Zack talks about his constant search for health, his fear of death, and his repeated attempts to quit smoking.

Zack begins his story with his favourite vice—smoking. He started as a child, stealing coins or cigarettes from his father and smoking them angrily.

Later, throughout his whole life, every event is marked by “the last cigarette,” after which he promises himself he will quit—right after smoking that one.

Now, as we analyze ourselves, doubt fills us: perhaps we are only drawn to cigarettes so that we can blame all our weaknesses and failures on them. Who can say that by quitting smoking we would become the strong, ideal person we always wished to be? Maybe it is precisely this unconscious doubt that keeps us tied to the bad habit—an easy way to live, imagining oneself as an extraordinary being destined for greatness, but held back by some unknown reason. We invented this excuse to justify the weaknesses of our youth, though deep down we don’t believe it.

We imagine that all of us, both in our souls and in our bodies, have hidden, vulnerable places—spots that our sense of modesty does not want to expose to the eyes of others. We don’t know exactly where they are, but we are sure they exist.